mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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