i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
