But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
