He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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