I wish I only lived at night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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