just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
