M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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