Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
