I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Actions speak louder than pants.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
