I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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