Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize