Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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