I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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