First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
