i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
