i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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