I think I won the penis lottery.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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