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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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