Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
