At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
