I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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