im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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