if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
