its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize