we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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