Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
