she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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