Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
