Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
