im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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