I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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