Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
