non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
