Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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