I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
