Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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