Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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