peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
