The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
