someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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