When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dear god my vagina.
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