Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
These tits shall not be calmed
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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