So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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