I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
