I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
