Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
