I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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