I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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