U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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