i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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