the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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