2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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