My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
